rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
