They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
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My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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