Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
