I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
