So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
