Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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