The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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