chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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