My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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