We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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