So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
