Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
