May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
