So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
