After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
