"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize