then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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