HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
so much tequila, so little girl.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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