My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
