I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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