hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
