Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
