Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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