it was like his penis was on wheels.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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