is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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