I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
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Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
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you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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