Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
