We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
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My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
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It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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