shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
