Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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