I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
