my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
we're so committed to being not committed
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
