i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
