Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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