we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
