This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
