Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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