At least make sure they are 18
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
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I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
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Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore