Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
