Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
