i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist