I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.