I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
