I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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