saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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