recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
