i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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