I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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