My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
its not stalking. its research.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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