I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Success! We fucked roommates!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize