he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
25 Medical Facts That Need To Be Common Knowledge
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.