Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
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It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
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My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..