I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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