If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
