she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
