So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
