I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
