my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
