apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
