my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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