The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
