Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
