Your dad touched me again.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
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his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
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I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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