Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
